So this blog is very personal, and might surprise a few people that know me. However it is important to me to be honest and open as it really helps my journey, and hopefully will help you too. On the lifelong road to recovery from anxiety and depression, I am learning so much about myself and working on my faults and habits I would like to change. I’d like to note as I am much better now, these traits don’t show their face as often, but they were very prevalent during high school and university when I really struggled.
One that has been in action and out of action since high school is temper and cruelty. This might be a strong tagging of these qualities but it really helps me to show how far I could and have gone. This one is a side that I work on every single day to keep in check and while it is one that only comes out from time to time, it is one that I do not like about myself and would like to settle once and for all.
So everyone gets angry, sure. I tend to take it out on people that don’t deserve it, or didn’t ask for it. Instead of leaving the situation, I stay and let my mouth run. And I have said some bullshit when the red veil goes down. It is because I get anxious and feel like I am being held down. Basically if I feel I am backed into a corner I attack with words and malice. It is something that I have fought all my life, because I hate being told what to do by someone I don’t respect, and hate being told off for stuff I have done wrong, as I get embarrassed easily.
I have a lot of pride and when it gets knocked down, I get quite ragey. I also baited people in conversations to start an argument, even though I am not a confrontational person.
Surprised? Me too. When I started looking at this habit I started thinking about all the things over the years that I have done and started to get a bit cringe. Its something I am not proud of at all and that people do not deserve. It is something I am working on, and instead just leaving the room, writing down my anger, or thinking about what I can do next time instead of launching into a tirade.
Next one is cruelty. I have previously said and do things that intentionally make people hurt. This one doesn’t come out that often, but when it comes out it really comes out. It is an awful habit to break and one that i really am ashamed of. If I feel that I am backed into a corner, or if I am really mad at someone, I sometimes do into this tirade. Now I usually place myself into peoples shoes and try and figure out why I am getting mad at them. But sometimes you just go straight to the rage mode. And sometimes to their faces. Not good. A little heated honest two way discussion is fine, but a full blown attack is not. I used to be a self destructive person. I would say and do things to make people stay away from me. This habit is a tough one to break but I work on it every single day and while I do slip up sometimes, I am proud of how far I’ve come.
I would sit down and write about what qualities you like, and what qualities you don’t like about yourself. The key is that this is not perfectionism, everyone needs to feel emotions (and when you are depressed feeling emotions is a big step), however think about when it affects others and puts a strain on relationships. I am lucky to have a lot of loyalty in my life but I have easily lost friends over the years through my actions. Almost think of it as your deadly sins. Talk to the people around you and tell them you are acknowledging your actions. Talk openly and honestly about it and take responsibility for it. This is the way to push your relationships forward and become stronger for it. Ask someone to help you on your journey. Try not to put yourself in situations and remove yourself if it gets too much. You don’t have to explain why, and then you can go back and talk when you feel ready.
So here are some tips.
- If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. A classic.
- Take yourself out of the room. Write your words down and then burn them. Just don’t burn down the house. Bad.
- Take a long breath, and remember if someone is pissing you off, you don’t need to tell them there and then. Add some time and space.
- Don’t feel you have to be so open with people. You can just not answer people if you want. Or tell them you don’t want to discuss certain things with them. You are responsible for what you think and feel, but you don’t have to share it with the world.
Tell me, what’s your ‘thing’ you work on daily? And if you are brave, please tell me in the comments, I’d love to help you.
Be my buddy! (if you want to after this blog! XD)
In the mood for more blogs from moi?